Friday, March 28, 2014

More True Confessions

I've got a million things to do and no willpower to do them right now.  I'm hoping writing will get me through this little funk which I know is partly physical, partly psychological.  Yesterday was stressful (why is it everyone in my house has to have a bad day on the same day?) because I had to play it cool when I was feeling very much uncool.  I have to keep things running around here when what I really want to do is run away.  I hate when that happens because I just turn all my angst inward and resort to unhealthy practices like eating sugary cereal and nasty concoctions like crunchy peanut butter and maple syrup.  Now I feel ick and tired and to boot, my sinuses are killing me and my ears are ringing so loud it's a wonder the whole town can't hear them, which is why I have vertigo.  I guess it's no wonder I'm not particularly motivated.

I have a writer friend who is authoring a book of excellent personal essays. His prose are better than mine ever will be (yeah, I'm jealous as hell), but he says he is done writing about himself.  I used to write about myself all the time on this blog but did reach a similar point.  This morning, though, I thought I would whine in spite of being completely blessed.

Do not misinterpret--I adore my family, but being Mom to two teens with disabilities, wife to someone who has a stupidly stressful job, sister to someone looking for a job and parent to needy pets gets to me.  My house is a mess, my to-do list too long, my phone incessant and my body disgusting.  I want to do something nice for myself, but I don't have the energy, so for this morning, this is about the best I can manage--a pity party and a good cry.  I'm probably experiencing PMS to boot, even though I already had my period once this month.  My kids' periods screw up mine. I'm just lucky that way.

Wow, all this is TMI for a blog post, but I'm going to put it out there anyway because I know there are plenty of people who face similar challenges and probably are comforted knowing they are not the only ones.  Sometimes life just sucks.  Yeah, I know, Buddhism talks about suffering being a part of life and that suffering is caused by craving (you don't have to convince me of that), but meditation and reaching for enlightenment aren't exactly on the agenda when I'm feeling like this.  I wonder if Buddha ever just gave into a good old human cry.  Did Jesus cry?  I mean, the man sweated blood, but did he ever just bawl like a baby?  How about Mohammad?  Did they ever have days when they just didn't feel like getting out of bed, or was that not even an option?  These are the important questions because if humans really want us to relate to these spiritual figures, then we have to know Buddha et al were willing to let the tears leak and the snot flow.

So besides publicizing my woes, I am drinking a 7-11 Double Gulp cup of water to flush out all the nastiness I put into my body yesterday.  I'm taking some Ibuprofen and might throw the phone out into the muddy backyard.  I'm going to eat organic green veggies later and at least get my body back in balance.  If I can will myself to get off my big buttocks, I might try some time on the treadmill or in the streets with the dog.  We'll see. Usually when I get like this, I don't want to go out, I don't want to see anyone and I don't feel like talking.  Hell, I don't even want to shower or brush my teeth.  Gross, huh?

The good news is I won't stay like this.  I will take care of personal hygiene, I will get my work done and I might even answer the phone at some point.  The cats are fed, the older cat has had his morning pill and the dog has food and water.  And I apparently have not lost my sick sense of humor because I just laughed at a news headline that read, "Sexual Assault Crisis Center Celebrates 30 Years."  Um, wouldn't it be better to celebrate not needing a sexual assault center in the first place?  The headline sounds like the center is happy to have a thriving business.  I must be reaping the benefits of bad Karma for laughing though, because now I'm dizzier and want to barf.

All this would be very funny if it weren't so not funny.  I guess I will call it ironic instead, and if readers want to laugh, I encourage them to do so.  There are times I really believe my life is some kind of cosmic joke, so I can choose to be offended or just laugh along with the universe.  And why not?  I'm feeling a little better having confessed that even though I have everything in the world including brilliance and a wry sense of humor, I'm still entitled to feel sorry for myself once in awhile. 

So Amen and all that.

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