Friday, December 13, 2013

Knees, etc.

My left knee is jacked up.  It feels like it's popping out every time I take a step.  It doesn't hurt much unless I twist it the wrong way or go to stand up.  Then I walk funny, so my other knee hurts.  So I've been using my pedal exerciser, doing leg lifts and walking to try to strengthen the muscles around it.  It hasn't changed, but I want to give it a few more weeks. 

If I go to the doctor, she will just tell me I'm fat and I need to go to physical therapy.  Then I will go to therapy and they will tell me to strengthen the muscles around the kneecap.  Then they will have me use the stationary bike and make me do leg lifts.  If that doesn't work, they might recommend an x-ray which won't show anything.  See, I've been through this before.  One reason I'm mentioning this is I'm getting myself psyched up for a walk in the freezing frickin' cold.  I dragged out my old knee brace.  Maybe that will hold my knee together while I walk.  If that doesn't work, I might try duct tape.

Some people might interpret this condition differently.  They might say it's a sign of getting old.  Since I've had knee trouble since my 20's, I don't attribute the problem to aging.  In fact, I don't attribute much to aging.  Aging is relative, and age itself doesn't cause health problems.  So there's no point in saying, "You're getting old, Katherine."  It's more like, "You're having trouble with your knees again, Katherine."  I know I need to lose weight, and I'm not going to stop walking just because my knee doesn't want to stay in its rightful place.

Back in 2009, I had lap band surgery and lost about 70 pounds.  But this past year, I had trouble with the band and had to have the fluid removed.  Then I went on new depression medication and had a lot of stress.  Boom.  Thirty pounds back, just like that, and I don't even eat pasta, bread, rice or anything bread-like unless it is corn based.  The corn doesn't block the passage to the stomach, so it doesn't make me sick.  Yet, without serious restriction, the band is not effective.  Of course, weight gain just made me depressed more, which encouraged me to eat more.  Add in my anxiety and you've got the perfect storm.  So I'm seeing someone to help me get back on track.  It's going to be a tough road, but I know I can do it.

In the meantime, I function, which is a blessing.  I am not suicidal.  I am not bedridden.  I have work.  I have a family.  I have friends.  I have more material things than any one person needs.  I can accomplish tasks when necessary, albeit it's hard when I have no structure.  There are definitely times when I could benefit from more specific assignments with some oversight.  In that, I am probably not much different than many people except that I require more motivation because I can't keep myself on track when I am like this.  I was once or twice diagnosed with ADD, but I stopped taking medication for it because the meds increased my anxiety, which already gets in the way of life.  My goal is to decrease the amount of medication I take, not increase it.  There are ways to manage some of these conditions naturally if I get the support I need, which I am starting to do.

Once again, I am putting myself out there on the internet, which is always a risk.  I'm feeling brave, however, having just this morning watched a great animated video on depression.  Knowing I'm not alone helps.  Knowing my own worth helps.  I'm a pretty cool person.  I'm not my knees or my age or my disabilities.  I'm my spirit living in this complicated body.  Among other things, it's an interesting experience. 
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