Thursday, July 25, 2013

I'm Gaining Weight

This past winter and spring, I gained 20-25 pounds.  For some people, such a gain would not be catastrophic--they would put their mind to it, eat less, exercise more and drop the excess pounds.  For me, it's not so easy.  I'm taking medication that causes weight gain, I've got a history of struggling with eating disorders and I've got depression and anxiety to deal with.  Add one more component: I had lap band surgery back in 2009, and though I don't eat anything that has to do with bread, pasta, baked goods, rice, etc. I am certainly eating more than I did post-surgery.  Plus, I will be 44 in September.  The scale, the tight pants, the body hatred, the knee, hip and back pain all scare the shit out of me, since the lap band was a last resort. 

I tried one medication to help alleviate hunger.  The medication did nothing.  I tried Weight Watchers but couldn't stick to it.  I've tried Overeaters Anonymous, which ended up having negative psychological effects on me. I've tried therapy, and I am well versed in why I eat, but I can't seem to break that compulsive need to overeat and even binge between the hours of 2 and 7 each day.  Why those particular hours, I don't know, but they are the hours that are dragging me down.

I've considered other possible remedies such as consuming huge amounts of caffeine during those hours, which might encourage me to exercise.  I've also tried scheduling activities during those hours to break the pattern.  The schedule change has had some success, but it's neither a permanent nor consistent fix.  I've tried spiritual classes, motivational practices and affirmations, all of which have enriched my life in other ways (for which I am grateful), but none of which have addressed the problem.  I'm an addict.

Another thing I've tried is self acceptance through acknowledging I have these challenges and understanding I might not be able to lose the weight I have gained.  Let's face it--the older we get, the harder it is to lose weight.  Our metabolisms slow down.  And I realize I am not the only one who struggles with overeating.  Obesity is a serious plague affecting our country, evidenced by the numbers of those opting for bariatric surgery and those with chronic related health problems such as diabetes.

If I thought I would be this weight the rest of my life, I could live with it and focus on tone through exercise, but I know if I continue to eat the way I am and struggle with these other issues, the weight will continue to rise.  I've been down this path before, several times throughout my life.  My anxiety is high.

I've been directed to attend support groups, but I've yet to find one that meets on a regular basis (more than once a month).  I am also pursuing options through my bariatric doctor (namely, another "fill" which tightens the lap band).  But I fear neither of these efforts will yield success.  I know--bad attitude, right?  History has taught me to be negative, and while I am trying to overcome this, I am fighting a legacy of failure to keep off the weight.

There's nothing anyone can say, other than "keep up the good fight" and "you are not alone."  I know it's up to me.  I just hope I can find help in time. 
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