Monday, April 29, 2013

Me and My Lack of Structure

Several months ago, I made a schedule for myself.  It wasn't a strict schedule in that it allowed for the myriad of appointments and meetings that make up the more structured parts of my life but limited the number of hours I spend on the computer as well as allot for exercise and family time.  To a point, I've been able to stick with that schedule, especially because I'm not involved in any heavy-duty computer-related projects at the moment, so I have not had to restrain myself from working 24/7 (or playing, for that matter) on the computer.  But I've not gotten enough exercise, especially with the dog.  (See my rabies posts here, where you will understand about the dog being quarantined.)  I've also not stuck to my resolution to add to my collection of small stones and things to be grateful for first thing in the morning.  And I've stopped doing Yoga because it was hurting my back.

When I returned from vacation, I came home with a new list of goals designed to get me back on track.  I've only partially fulfilled my intent.  I've written small stones/things to be grateful for only sporadically.  As I mentioned above, I've had to give up on Yoga. I do exercise, but it's not aerobic, and I do stretch.  I do walk a little on my treadmill, too.  But I've not been so good about accepting things the way they are, especially as they pertain to politics, government, my career and my weight.  I can't stick to an eating regiment.  Clearly, I've got challenges when it comes to maintaining structure unless I've got external obligations. 

A hundred years ago, a roommate told me I was "externally motivated," like that was a bad thing.  At the time, I was in college, studying under the structure of semesters and working at the college itself.  I made a basic Excel schedule (which I was very proud of because I'd drawn lines and arrows indicating times--I thought that was very cool) and had few problems allocating my time.   When the structure got to be too much, I took a day off from class and moved on.  But real life isn't like that.

Back to the present.  I do give myself credit for getting at least some exercise in, stepping away from the computer, writing a few small stones or things to be grateful for, making it to appointments and meetings and trying to accept the things I cannot change.  I've sought additional support, too, though none of it has panned out yet.  And while I have not walked as much as I'd planned, I have gotten some walking in and even some short bike rides, especially as the weather has improved. 

A side note on walking:  I find I am getting wimpier in my old age and don't enjoy walking in the cold.  In fact, I don't enjoy walking as much as I used to because I get bored with it.  In order to reinforce the behavior by making it a positive experience, I do it in smaller chunks instead of forcing myself into a strict routine that I know I won't stick to.  In fact, I tend to do most things in chunks.  Otherwise, I will start to perceive the activity in a negative light and will resist doing it.

So, it seems I am back to resolutions.  I will start with the easiest, which is writing a small stone a day.  I will also try to add to my gratitude list each day.  Hopefully, this will keep me grounded.  We'll see. 
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