Sunday, April 07, 2013

From Last Year's "Letters of Gratitude" on Trust


That’s a tough one, probably is for most people.  Why trust?  Why be disappointed?  Expectations are dangerous.  Who wants to hurt?
Trust parents even when they fight or hurt you.  Trust others because you are sweet and nice.  Trust your parents won’t find out you skipped school to the point where you might not have graduated.  Trust you can get them not to punish you, and they don’t.  Trust you will feel horribly manipulative and guilty.  Trust that pushing the limit is necessary to save sanity. 
Trust the world offers opportunity for success, that colleges are ethical, safe, that no university would ever rip off a student.  I got scammed in a doctoral program.  The government says it’s okay.  Who can ever trust the government?  Politicians are evil.
Trust yourself.  Ha!  The self wanders into dark corners, meets beasts we don’t know until something invites them out.  For me, it was over medication and a belief I deserved to be beaten.  Perversion, violence, battered women’s syndrome.  Don’t trust your husband to understand. Don’t trust him because of his high security job.  The government looks into your soul.  Don’t trust them.  Remember Billy Jack?
Trust—I still struggle, but I have become less afraid because I know trust does not have to hinge on expectation.  I trust you, understanding you could break that trust at any time.  We are all human with those black crevices. I understand now.
Last year, I took part in the "Letters of Gratitude" course during which we were tasked to write 30 letters on 30 different topics until we reached a place of thankfulness.  Here is my 3rd letter, unedited.
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