Tuesday, March 05, 2013

"Are They Trying to Kill Us?" A Hyperactive, Unstructured Rant About Energy Drinks

by Michael Mercurio

At what point are they just going to say “to hell with it” and legalize cocaine again? I see no difference between that and these mass produced energy drinks that are flooding our market. Here’s an idea: Let’s make everyone work three jobs. Then, let’s make the only food affordable to them hamburger paddies that are fifty percent “filler” and comprised of several hundred cows from around the world. Finally, when the dollar menu and their work schedule has them passing out in the middle of their day, let’s sell them drugs in liquid form to keep them going.

Are they trying to kill us?

Health has always been a huge issue in America. I place emphasis on “huge,” as obesity rates are apparently high enough to now be officially classified as an epidemic. Of course, that implies that eating garbage is some sort of transmutable disease. Maybe if food that was actually healthy for you was put on the dollar menu, and garbage was overpriced, our current situation would be much different today.

Wait, where was I going with this again? Oh right. Energy drinks.

Okay, so, speaking from personal experience, these things are bad. Trust me, I used to live on them. Back in the day, I was a delivery guy for Dominoes, and I relied on Monster to get me through the late evenings. That is, until I started having anxiety attacks that nearly made me smash my Mercury Sable into a pole. My heart was going 90 miles a minute, and I felt like I was going to pass out. Then, I cut Monster out of my diet completely, and I was fine. Go figure. (Yes, I’m still fine. Why do you ask?)

So now, instead of Monster and Red Bull, the latest fad is a product called “5-Hour-Energy.” Back when I was a telemarketer, our boss handed it out to us like candy. Remembering my prior experience, I decided to check out the label before autonomously putting myself into a diabetic coma. Apparently, the sugar and caffeine isn’t so much an issue this time around, but it has the nutritional value of something like a billion percent vitamin B12 through 99 – or however many B’s there are. I never really understood why that letter got all the attention. What I do understand though, is that the majority of those B’s are not water soluble. What this means is, it stays with you for quite a long time. Since you’re basically getting a mega overdose several times higher than that of the daily recommendation, it makes me wonder how much of that stays in your system, and what it could be doing to your kidneys and liver.

Perhaps my science is wrong. I don’t know. I nearly failed Biology in high school. What I do know is that many people - myself included - have reported dizzy spells after using the product for a prolonged period. I’m sure it’s nothing though. Total coincidence. Don’t question it. Just keep slaving away so you can afford your meat filler, and keep drinking the strange liquid your selfless employer encourages you to drink. I’m sure you’ll be fine. He or she only has your best interest at heart.

Michael Mercurio
Copyright 2013
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