Thursday, January 10, 2013

Let me make this perfectly clear.

I am a nobody, a writer of poetry, fiction and prose who cleans up after messy family members and animals.

I don't hold any political power or authority of any sort (other than the right to complain and nag).

I'm smart and creative, but I'm not brilliant.

I do not hold some grandiose image of myself that would lead me to believe that as an individual I am worth examining closely except that along with so many others, I've taken the time to publicly bitch about government, socio-economic injustices, discrimination and corruption.  And yet, that is what's happening to me and unquantifiable numbers of others.  Justifiably, I'm furious about it.  Why?

  • because the people who are doing it are members of various public and private organizations and won't identify themselves, which is unethical at best;
  • because the people who are doing it have given me a tremendous amount of anxiety that I don't need or deserve;
  • because I don't know specifically why they are doing it, and they certainly won't tell me;
  • because they do it in such a way that when I try to explain to other people, I sound like a nutcase and I know I am not (though I admit to being eccentric and neurotic, but that's not the same thing as being out of touch with reality);
  • because I never signed up to the be the subject of an investigation, a study or anything of that nature;
  • because I have the freedom to express myself without repercussion, and they are trying to take away my freedom by being sneaky, creepy and intimidating (which as you can tell, hasn't worked thus far because here I am blogging);
  • because I have the right to go about as I please without being surreptitiously harassed, but they violate that right;
  • because they arrogantly believe they know more about me, the human brain and artists than any human being can possibly know;
  • because they assume I'm a blind idiot who does not closely observe what is happening around me;
  • because they assume I make crazy connections with unrelated things but do not understand that making connections is what artists do, even when it appears to be illogical;
  • because they believe I am typically illogical (which I admit I sometimes am, but usually I know when I am being illogical if someone explains to me what the hell is going on, but they are unwilling to do that);
  • because they are sneaks and liars (or at least a majority of them are because it's a job requirement...but that's another cultural flaw I will leave for a different blog post);
  • because they think they are entitled to invade my privacy and the privacy of others without regard of possible outcomes;
  • because they believe I'm not supposed to be outraged over this;
  • because they think I wouldn't dare to write this kind of thing on a public blog because no sane person would take such a chance;
  • because they assume people who are asked direct questions won't answer those questions honestly;
  • because they can't understand people who are different;
  • because they ignore the obvious by refusing to use public information to find out what they need when it's all there (on this blog, other open sources and in communications that are easy to FOIA);
  • because they investigate the innocent as opposed to the guilty who deserve this kind of scrutiny;
  • because they are persecuting large numbers of individuals based on assumptions and false beliefs, as if we've committed a crime;
  • because they use their power, money and tax-payers' money in irresponsible ways, hurting people even if they've have good intentions at the start;
  • because they choose to believe the end will justify the means;
  • because they promote a culture of fear, distrust and even paranoia through their actions;
  • because they are sick with pride, jadedness, suspicion, prejudice and one-way thinking and don't even know (or won't admit) they are sick;
  • because they don't know enough about me or my past to make any judgements about my health or intentions;
  • because they are ignorant and/or blind and choose to remain that way;
  • because they would never, ever openly admit to making mistakes (too much liability);
  • because they can never, ever know (or might not even care) how I feel or how much their mistakes/behaviors have affected me, my family and countless others, because they have so seriously disconnected themselves from other human beings;
  • because they believe I've just got a bad attitude, a chip on my shoulder, etc., dismissing me and others as complainers, rebel rousers and/or trouble makers;
  • because deep down, they are cowards who can't face their own shortcomings or take an honest look at the results of their actions;
  • JUST ADDED:  because they think I can't separate my own pain from the pain of others and that I can't distinguish between aspects of my life and their actions which are causing my behavior and reactions; therefore, they believe they are justified in judging me and continuing to make false assumptions (this comment is aimed particularly at shrinks, by the way, but is also aimed at the great experimenters or whatever they are);
  • because they (erroneously) believe I needlessly take on other people's pain because I advocate;
  • because they assume I can't appreciate the good things in my life just because I write about the bad, that I think nothing good will happen to me in the future, that I am overly self-protective and that I am resistant to change;
  • because they think there's little reason for me or anyone to be a bit paranoid when I live in an area full of feds, FBI, CIA, military and police where everything is "need to know," more than half the population has secret clearance and no one is transparent;
  • because they do not respect my privacy, my boundaries or my obvious demands that they STOP DOING THIS, ADMIT AT LEAST TO THEMSELVES THAT THEY ARE THE CAUSE OF MY OUTRAGE AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
Realize that because of their tactics and sneakiness, my perceptions might be a bit skewed and my anxiety intensified.  I am also being more judgmental and less understanding and patient because they've left me no other choice.  But I assure you, I am not a conspiracy theorist, in spite of the fact that I enjoyed X-Files. 

I've recently had a tremendous loss in my family.  Yet, these people are relentless and seem to assume I can't make the distinction between normal sadness and anxiety and their efforts to take me down or do whatever it is they are trying to do.  So let me make this perfectly clear: death is a natural thing.  I can deal with death and life stress, probably better than most people because I have had to.  I know a lot of people who would have ended up in a mental ward if they had to live through some of the things I have had to.  But I have TREMENDOUS difficulty dealing with lies and keeping my mouth shut about obvious dishonesty. In fact, I have so much difficulty, I refuse to be silent.  Maybe this makes me stupid and arrogant, but my convictions will not allow me to do otherwise.

What about you?

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