Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Timmy's Christmas Letter

Don't know who wrote the original email, but thanks SIL for passing it on to me!
____________________________________________Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like
an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you
remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all
the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want
you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll
bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus***

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you
I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn
this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a
jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year
is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I
remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have
been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and
will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the
exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also
improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion
that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to
be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're
gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my
game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world
on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He
sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound
familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.
I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to
hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your
Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're
not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to
stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that,
Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy

* *

Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa


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