Friday, December 28, 2012

Planning for a Cantankerous 2013 (Rated R)

Since there were a lot of sucky things about 2012, I thought I would ring in the new year with sarcasm and caustic humor by posting and memorizing some useful statements that could be applied in a variety of settings.  I'll try them out on my guests at our annual New Year's Eve party and see what they think.

  1. It's not my fault you're stupid.
  2. I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you. (Stole that one from Batman.)
  3. I might have put my foot in my mouth, but I assure you, it will hurt much more when I put it in yours.
  4. I'm usually kind, but don't expect me to always be nice.
  5. Better to purposefully split my infinitives than to "accidentally" split your lip.
  6. Just because I don't hate you doesn't mean you don't piss me off.
  7. I might not be a good driver, but I obviously drive you crazy.
  8. "Fuck you" isn't an invitation. 
  9. Just because I don't believe in hell doesn't mean I can't tell you to go there.
  10. Don't mess with people who are smarter than you.  Oh wait.  That's everyone.
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