Monday, September 03, 2012

Labor Day's Labor and Affirmation

Word of the Day for Monday, September 3, 2012

ataraxia \at-uh-RAK-see-uh\, noun:
A state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety; tranquility.

I know full well ataraxia cannot be found in a pill, in food, in sleep, in avoidance or in addiction.  I've been blessed with moments, even hours of this gift, but each day, I am encumbered by illogical cognitive dissonance that plagues my senses, stimuli that I cannot seem to block out, as I labor to function effectively in the outside world.  Refocusing, meditation, positive thinking, creating, exercising, caring for myself--none of these methods have freed me lastingly from this prison I have partially created myself.

I forgive myself for my natural reactions to reminders of a painful past, but I am harsh with myself--no, harsh is the wrong word--overly impatient with my progress because at times, it appears I have made no progress, indeed, have even regressed.  Each day, I am exhausted by my efforts.  Each day, I fall back into self destructive habits to soothe my tired mind.

I remind myself to be gentle and understanding, that I would never be so judgmental with others this way, that I would applaud their victories and laud their strength in the face of adversity and natural born disabilities.  Yet, I do not do this for me, in spite of knowing I should.

What kind of logic is this?  Where is the disconnect (besides in my neurons) between my mind and emotions?  I am driving myself crazy, angry at those whom I perceive as torturing me with incessant testing, frustrated with my failure to pass their tests, confused now between their provocations and normal, daily stress.

So perhaps this morning, instead of wishing (begging the universe) for at least one, full day of ataraxia, free from these unethical God-players, I will remind myself that no one can control or defeat me, no matter how much they try to play with my mind and my life, that I am perfectly sane and brilliant and not imagining their efforts.

I will remind myself to be grateful, to care for myself, to love myself and just do the best I can, which is all any of us can expect from others and ourselves.

Affirmation:  I achieve more moments of ataraxia in the now as I love myself unconditionally and rejoice in the many blessings I have.
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