Friday, February 03, 2012

Just About Nothing

I'm in avoidance this morning.  I'm avoiding paperwork (hope my boss doesn't read this).  I'm avoiding writing a short story with a deadline.  I'm avoiding the treadmill.  I'm avoiding anything that requires a brain and/or a substantially moving body.  I did manage to revise and submit a newspaper story and throw in a load of laundry and make a cup of tea.  But that's not a lot, considering I am writing this about fifteen minutes to eleven in the morning.  I haven't brushed my teeth, haven't dressed, haven't washed my face or taken care of the sour-milk smelling trash next to me.  I'm perfectly disgusting, is what I am trying to say.

I'm guessing this is about stress.  It has been a busy week full of commitments, with a touch of drama.  I've laughed a lot along the way, but that doesn't mean fatigue and tears didn't encroach upon my giggling.  Most of the stuff is too personal even for me to blog about (if you can believe it), and there are few people I can discuss it with.  But at least I do have a few, which is more than some people can say.

To boot, my lap band is still empty, owing to my illness in Mexico, and I can't get it filled until next week. I don't even want to imagine how much weight I have gained.  The stress eating is out of control.  Before, the band would keep it at bay, but now...  I'm not quite back to being able to eat what I did pre-band (thank God), and I am trying to limit my over-eating to healthier choices (can't get too fat by binging on Lima beans, I hope), but the fact is, calories are calories.  This knowledge adds to my stress.

When I'm stressed, I want to avoid thinking about what I am stressed about, so I do things to zap out or distract myself.  This is okay when the zapping or distracting aren't unhealthy and are productive, but when they include things like eating or spending too much, I know there's a problem.  It's a damn good thing I don't like alcohol because, given my personality, I could easily become an alcoholic.  So I suppose I should be grateful I do things that are somewhat less destructive and thankful I have people who support me.  Actually, I am grateful, so I don't feel bad about myself in that area.  Walking around not acknowledging what we do have is a terrible way to live, and having dealt with severe depression, I know how miserable that can be.

I am babbling at this point, which is fine, because that is what I intended to do in my endeavor to do nothing.  In a couple of minutes, I will flip the laundry and go back to bed.  The teeth will come next, and I am sure I will get the paperwork done, the same paperwork I put off every month because it requires absolute attention to numbers and little grids on the Excel spreadsheet.  It's not even that much paperwork, so I should just suck it up and stop procrastinating.  But is it procrastination if you take a little break and then really do get it done?  Depends on whom you ask, I guess.  Just don't ask my boss, please. 
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