Friday, February 17, 2012

Grossness Alert

I'm about to write a pretty inappropriate post, so if there are any easily offended readers out there, I suggest you visit another page.  These are the sort of thoughts I get in my head when I've had a little too much time on my hands and I'm feeling rebellious and don't want to be edited.  Actually, I've felt like this all week, so I might as well just go for it.

First question is, who the hell invented bras with seams that go right across the nipple?  Do these geniuses have any idea how uncomfortable that is?  Have they ever tried to wear a nipple-scraper?  Don one of these less-than-innovative garments and you start out with itchy nipples and end up with chafed ones, especially if you are active.  Idiots abound.

Second item:  ever notice if you eat a lot of broccoli with other green vegetables your poop turns green?  Or does that only happen to me?  I feel like a newborn--you know how infant poop is kind of pea-colored? I wonder if I should plant mine.  Maybe I can grow a garden.

Third on the list is a minor complaint--even if my knees worked well, I still wouldn't be able to jog because when I do, I pee.  I hear this is common in women who have given birth and who are aging, but it's still annoying because jogging was the fastest way I knew to get in shape and kick the metabolism into fifth gear.  Also, there is no high like a runner's high. I just can't get one by speed walking, which is boring.  On the positive side, I don't have it as bad as my friends who sneeze and pee.  If my bladder betrays me that much, it's time for surgery.

What else?  Oh yeah.  Huge dog barf.  I don't mean I have a huge dog.  She's about 50 pounds, kind of medium.  But her barf?  Maybe I'm used to cat and small-dog puke because I find hers absolutely revolting, especially when it's still warm.  Incidentally, this bit about making poop scooping a law?  Picking up warm crap is stomach turning.  A necessity, I know, as is picking up fresh barf,  but still disgusting. 

On a similar note, baby and kid vomit. I used to be able to handle it.  Now I want to heave right along side the kid.  Clean-ups?  Let them do it themselves.

Periods.  Need I say more?

I think that's it for now.  This list is shorter than I thought it would be.  I bet you're disappointed.
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